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Stress just seems to keep on increasing in modern life.  And there is evidence for that!  According to a study done by the American Psychological Association, at least one third of Americans report that they are living with extreme stress, and about half of Americans think life keeps on getting more stressful.  Despite the modern conveniences and the technological advances we enjoy, stress just keeps on looming larger in our lives.  Money and work were at the top of the leading causes of stress, which is not surprising in our uncertain and challenging economy.

How and we thrive in face of our life stresses and not just survive it?  We need to develop the right mindset in regarding stress as not completely coming from outside of ourselves, but rather it is our interpretation and our take on things that determines our stress.  So if you think that traffic stresses you out, or your coworker drives you crazy, think again.  Traffic or your co-worker only have the power because you give them the power.  It is impossible for them to directly stress you out and change the neurons in your head, as our attitude towards them is what causes our stress.  With that in mind, stress that seems to come from the outside really mostly comes from between your ears, and the good news is we have more power to control that than most realize!

Sometimes it helps to use analogies to better appreciate life’s dilemmas, and what is a better analogy to our lives than Swiss Cheese with all it’s holes? Like the Swiss, our lives have inevitable “holes,” and “imperfections,” and it these holes give us our unique character and depth.

So we can develop a handle on the stresses in our lives by learning the top five important life lessons that the Swiss can teach us.

1. Swiss Cheese has holes, and so does our lives:  Without the holes, there would be no Swiss as we know it, and without the holes in our lives, the stresses, the disappointments and the setbacks, our lives would not be rich or flavorful.  In fact, it is a fact that the holes of the Swiss, the sweeter and more distinctive the cheese. What an analogy to our lives! We develop resiliency by overcoming challenges and obstacles. By moving through life’s holes rather than getting stuck in them, we become stronger.  It might be nice is life was more smooth and predictable like cream cheese or American, but life is not like that!

2. The Holes in the cheese are called eyes:  This is another fact about the cheese that is especially pertinent to our understanding of stress. The holes in our lives that allow us to “see more clearly” and develop insight. If we did not have the holes in our lives, we would not have the opportunity to learn and grow though life’s stresses and obstacles.  In fact, Swiss Cheese with no holes is called blind Swiss – and by ignoring the holes and wishing them away would be like going through your life with your eyes closed – just the blind Swiss – otherwise known as cheese in denial!

 3. We accept the Swiss as it is: We do not judge that the Swiss has too many holes and not enough – the Swiss just “IS.”  Likewise, if we accept life has inevitable holes than we will not judge it or wish it away.  We will embrace what happens with the confidence that we can handle what comes our way.

 4. There is a positive side to the holes: The holes in the cheese make the cheese lighter, less caloric, and more distinctive.  The holes are not “bad” and neither is the stress in our lives.  Much of our stress is positive and we ask more and more of that type of stress!  Pour body might not know it and we might still get the butterflies, but the positive side of stress can not be denied.  Just think of getting married, going on vacation, having a baby, playing in or watching the “big game.”  As Stress pioneer Hans Selye said, Stress is the spice of life!”

 5. Fondue can never turn back into a block of cheese: Once the Cheese melts into fondue, it can never go back to be in a cheese wheel.  What is done is done.  However, so much stress is caused by ruminations and “woulda coulda shouldas” of that can not be changed, causing undue stress on most people. Give up the habit of looking back with regret – there are no do-overs and by focusing too much about the past and what can’t be changed will keep you stuck in a hole!

6. There is no such thing as a perfect slice of cheese: No two slices of cheese are alike, and you are unique also.  Striving for perfection brings on undue negative stress, and brings about low self esteem and is a set up for failure.  Accept yourself as you do the cheese with all its’ holes – build on your failures and setbacks instead of being defined by them as somehow flawed.  Strive for goodness, not perfection.

Hopefully, with the Swiss Cheese Theory of Life mindset, you will savor the taste of stressing for success and will not only survive but thrive through life’s holes!  With the right mindset, you can think straight to feel great!  So what are you waiting for? Smile and say CHEESE!

How to Get Through Life’s Hurdles…With the Help Of The Swiss Cheese Theory of Life!  As we all know, life is not smooth and predictable.  It has twists, turns, and is full of changes.  Although as a psychotherapist I hear many people say , “I don’t like change,” upon exploration, I invariably find that everyone actually welcomes change , but only on their own terms, how and when they want it, and when it is in their control.  Good Luck!  Who has not experienced change and stress that they would not even wish on their worst enemy, never mind themselves! 

Enter The Swiss Cheese Theory of Life:  How To Get Through Life’s Holes Without Getting Stuck In Them! written by two psychotherapists.  The Swiss Cheese Theory of Life uses the analogy of Swiss cheese as a metaphor for life itself.  After all, life is not smooth and predictable like American or Cream Cheese. Rather, life has holes, and it’s how you get through them that counts!  In fact, it is the holes in our lives that give us depth of character and make our life rich in meaning, just as the larger the holes in the Swiss, the sweeter the taste of the cheese. Thus, we need holes in our lives to become who we are!

What are the holes in your life?  How can you use the lessons learned as stepping stones towards a better future rather than wearing your mistakes, setbacks and failures as a cloak draped around you?  Your setbacks do not need to become your defining moments in your life that weigh you down and stop you from becoming the person you could be.   If you set yourself free of the shackles of the past that no longer work for you and no longer define you, and get through the hole in your self-perception and come out on the other side, you will get a whole new perspective on life!  

How about being defined not by your crushing defeats and disappointments but rather by your dreams and aspirations? One of the book’s chapter titles, in fact, is called, “Living whole despite the holes!”  

How about every day writing down 5 things that you are grateful for, as positive thinking and gratefulness will help you through the holes in your life with a sense of humor, lightness.  Optimism helps you give up bitterness, grudges and negative thinking that makes you stuck. 

So go ahead, Smile And Say CHEESE!  

Here are some quick tips:

1. Clean out your Mental Cobwebs – Along with cleaning out the closets, Spring is a great time to focus on “Spring cleaning” your mind. Clean out the cobwebs of old, tired ways of thinking that lead to negative self-talk, self-doubt, and the inner critic within. It has been estimated that the average person thinks about 50,000 thoughts per day. If even 10% are negative thoughts, which is an understatement for most people, that comes to 5000 negative thoughts a day on average!
2. Emotionally Unpack – As you pack up your cold weather clothing, and bring in the springtime wardrobe, use this as a time to “emotionally unpack.” What old thoughts and memories keep you stuck in old ways of thinking and feeling, and take out those thoughts, memories and feelings, perhaps give them a good cleaning, and repack them in a different way. Do you just need to get them out, dust off them off as although they lay dormant, they still stick around like musty old clothes needing to get aired. As you re-evaluate your wardrobe, re-evaluate your thoughts and keep what works for you and repack old ways of thinking in a way that helps you spring into spring and not stay in the dark days of winter – in your mind.
3. Do an Inventory of your Mental Media – Examine the tapes and recordings that are constantly going through your mind. Do you keep playing tapes that are not even true? Do you have mental tapes that are negative and critical, both of yourself or others? Are there people that you can’t forgive, do you tell yourself stories about why they are bad, or do you tell stories about yourself that are not true, such as you are not thin or smart enough, or worse yet, that you one of life’s losers? Where do those tapes come from? Upgrade those old tapes to digital recordings that are present focused and show new ways of thinking!
4. Springtime can be a state of Mind all Year Long – So when you Spring Clean your Mind, realize that Spring is a state of mind any time of the year. Whether you live in Boston or L.A., the weather on the outside matters less than the season of your mind. Is it often cloudy or rainy in your head? This spring, give yourself the gift of cleaning out that bad weather between your ears. Keep in mind one of our favorite sayings, think straight-feel great!
5. Spring is a Time for Rebirth! – All around us we see change, as flowers bloom, and nature evolves. This Spring, let yourself see the
wonders of creation reflected also inside of you. Use this as a time for reinventing yourself and trying new things. By committing yourself to personal renewal, you can re-evaluate what in your life no longer works for you, and how you can grow, change and transform to become the best “YOU.”
6. Spring offers You a Fresh Start – With the freshness of Spring around you, use this time of mental spring cleaning to give yourself the gift of a a “fresh start.” This spring is the most important spring of your life, as only the present gives you the opportunity to renew yourself. Build on the winters of your disappointments and regrets to breathe new life into old issues. Perhaps there are no do-overs-but there are second chances!

Life’s unfairness often comes in the form of our discontent over the actions and reactions of others in our lives.  People give us so much to react against!  All too often we expect people to be fair and act in ways that we consider “right” and often find ourselves angry and indignant over words, actions and reactions from others.  Expecting that people should “know better” we often unconsciously use ourselves as a yardstick for how people should be, thinking “if that was me, I would …”  Holding grudges, being hurt and bitter while holding others accountable for our own difficulties leads to much wasted time. As a psychotherapist for 35 years, I have been struck with how many people blame their parents, exes, children, co-workers for their problems.  Just recently a 64 years old women complained that her problems in life were her parents fault.  WHAT?    Didn’t she see that this victim mentality was the reason for her disappointments?  Didn’t she realize that how her life turns out is because of her, not them?  Such wasted time and sadness results from thinking life should have been more fair.

This judgmental mindset can lead to lifelong discontentment when people in our lives, including parents spouses, coworkers, our children, our friends and neighbors fail to support our notions of how they should be.  You think that people stress you out?  Try your head!  No one can really stress you out except yourself!  That’s right!  Not even traffic or the snow!  Rather it is our attitude and our perception of the stressors in our lives that cause us internal stress.  Barring physical endangerment and life debilitating illness, much of our reactions to stress can be totally in our control, and not in the control of others!  So next time you think that “she makes me so mad” or “my mom stresses me out” realize that that could not be further from the truth!

What does Swiss Cheese have to do with it?  How can thinking Swiss help us?  

Swiss Cheese is a metaphor for life itself.  After all life is not smooth and predictable life American or Cream Cheese. Like the Swiss, our lives have inevitable “holes” and “imperfections,” and these challenges are what enriches our lives and gives us character and depth.  Even the image of the Swiss with all its holes reminds us that we need holes in our lives to make us distinctive and more unique. Interestingly enough, it is a fact that the bigger the holes of the Swiss, the sweeter and more distinctive the cheese. What an analogy to our lives! We develop resiliency by overcoming challenges and obstacles. By moving through life’s holes rather than getting stuck in them, we become stronger.  By embracing the life’s holes, we make peace with the fact that life has its share of stresses, disappointments and setbacks, and it was never meant to be predictable, smooth and fair.  Life misfortune and even trauma is not reserved for only the bad eggs in society.

So, it might sound nice if like did not have holes and everything went along swimmingly, but no one has that kind of life.  It is up to us to make the holes in our lives rich in learning and insights so that we will emerge out of the holes rather than stay stuck in them.  By embracing the holes in our lives, we can shift from bring stuck in the “whys” in our lives to focusing on to “what’s next?”  

What’s your Emotional Wellness IQ?  Take this short quiz and find out!

Below are 8 items that you may agree with or disagree with.  On a scale of 1 to 7, rate your level of agreement with each item, being honest and open with yourself.

7            Strongly Agree

6            Agree

5            Slightly Agree

4            Neither Agree or Disagree

3             Slightly disagree

2            Disagree

1            Strongly disagree

_____   I feel satisfied with who I am and where I am in my life

_____   I refuse to allow regrets and disappointments cloud “today”

_____   I feel a strong sense of connection with others and do not feel isolated

_____   I tend to think rationally and optimistically

_____   I do not hold onto grudges and can forgive others for not living up to my expectations

______ I feel a great sense of control over my emotions, thoughts and feelings

______ I have a healthy sense of humor and can laugh at life’s imperfections

______ I feel more gratitude on how my life is now rather than on what’s lacking                             

Total your score here:   ____________

Mental Fitness Range:

51-56            Mental Wellness is extraordinary!

46- 50             High level of Mental Wellness

40-46            Moderate level of Mental Wellness

32-39           Mental Wellness needs some boosting!

24-31            Mental Welness is posing problems for optimal health – needs work!

16-23            Needs improvement!  Actively work on improving your Mental Wellness

Below 15     Danger Zone! 

Created By Judy Belmont

In our current precarious economic climate, with high unemployment, corporate downsizing, the collapse of the housing market, the conditions of the holiday season are shaping up to be stressful indeed. Despite these times of economic uncertainty, holiday gift giving is at the forefront of people’s minds, creating a large amount of stress. In one psychological survey, 50-70 percent of people rated money and gift giving pressure high on their holiday stress list. Too many of us end the holiday season with charge cards run up along with our debt from giving gifts we can’t really afford, while we carry around extra pounds we have accumulated by excessive holiday eating. For all the hype going into the holiday season, many of us are left with a post-holiday ‘let down’.

With all these factors, even the most close-knit families are taxed, and pressure on marriages and family relationships are heightened. To add insult to injury, any hidden fault lines in family dynamics become more prominent themes during the holidays, as this stereotypic and ideal time of closeness clashes with the reality of family bickering, resentments, estrangement and loss.

The following are tips on how fill your holidays with the positive stress of anticipation, excitement and wonder, while at the same time limiting the negative stress so often associated with the pressures of our challenging times.

1. Everything in Moderation. The holidays are times of excess in many arenas. Eat and drink moderately, don’t overspend what you do not have, avoid racking up credit card debt that will take months to pay off, and do not forgo the routines that keep you sane and ‘in balance’ the rest of the year.

2. The Best Things in Life are Free – Remind yourself of this saying often throughout the holidays. It is very easy to get sucked into the mentality that bigger and more expensive is better. Focus on times with family and friends that are built around togetherness, games and fun, all which do not require spending money you might not have. Give with your heart and friendship rather than focusing on giving material possessions. Memories can not be bought, and neither can relationships. With companies cutting back, maybe your gift budget should likewise be trimmed.

3. Put Self-Care High on your Holiday Wish List – The holidays are a time when self care is the most important – Too often unwanted pounds accumulate with all the vast array of holiday foods around during the holiday season. Make sure you exercise regularly and plan time to keep yourself moving. You will also tend to eat less if you are working hard to keep yourself fit. One study has shown that almost 50 per cent of women report that they are moderately or significantly worried about their weight during the holiday season.

4. Your Family will not Likely Win the Norman Rockwell Award – Be realistic about your imperfect family relationships. Chances are, if there are rifts or longstanding issues in your family, they will not be magically solved this holiday season. Accepting the imperfections of those close to you and enjoying these imperfect relationships will help you limit undue stress during the family get-togethers. Cutting out the magical thinking makes for a much lower stress holiday.

5. Enjoy a “Good-Enough” Holiday – Spare yourself the need for things to go perfectly this holiday season. Take the pressure off of yourself! Beware of your unrealistic expectations. Strive for just a “good enough” holiday and you might be surprised at how much more enjoyable they can be without the guilt-provoking strings attached!

6. Don’t Force the Fun – With the hype of the holiday season, people feel a need to be jovial and happy, and are ashamed if they feel “down” or blue. The expectation of being in the “holiday spirit” can lead even the most
well-adjusted people to feel inadequate and even freakish if the “holiday blues” sit squarely on their shoulders. Just knowing that emotional lows as well as highs are normal can offer solace to many. This is especially true for those who have experienced loss of loved ones through estrangement, death and divorce. The holidays hit us hard when we are dealing with loss.

7. Make New Traditions – In these changing times, re-evaluate your traditions. Keep the ones that work, and work with friends and family to create new ways of celebrating that bring freshness and change to your relationships and traditions. Things don’t have to be the same thing year after year if these traditions no longer work. This holiday season can be a time of growth and change as well as a time for familiar, comforting family traditions.

8. Seek Support and Share your Feelings – Let this holiday be a time in which you strengthen your bonds by being open and honest about how you feel. You don’t have to be “tough.” Do not feel like you need to be “tough.” Ask for help if you feel like you want or need it. People who can show their vulnerabilities and have a strong sense of community and support are better equipped to handle life’s stresses. Numerous studies have correlated happiness with strong supportive social networks.

9. Manage Stress – Don’t Carry it! – Realize that stress can be positive – stress is not always bad. It can heighten your sense of involvement, bring excitement to your world, but all too often people view stress as unwelcome and negative. Stress Managers contain their stress, while Stress Carriers cope with their stress by giving it to everyone else!

10. Stress Comes from Within – not Without – Remember that stress does not come from the outside. The holidays do not make us stressed in themselves – rather it is our take on outside events and how we view what happens on the outside that causes us to be stressed. If our Norman Rockwell-like holiday fantasies and ideals clash with the reality of our own less than perfect lives, we experience a disconnect of what we think “should be.” Making peace with “what is” rather than what “should be” will help us thrive and not just survive this holiday season!

Here is a small taste to introduce you to the theory!

The Swiss Cheese Theory of Life uses Swiss Cheese as a metaphor for life itself. Life is not predictable and smooth like cream cheese. Our lives are really more like Swiss with all its distinctive holes, and without the holes, there would be no Swiss! Our lives, likewise, have inevitable “holes,” and imperfections,” yet these holes give us our unique character and depth. It’s a fact that the larger the holes of the Swiss, the sweeter and more distinctive the cheese. What an analogy to our lives! We develop resiliency by overcoming challenges and obstacles. By moving through life’s holes rather than getting stuck in them, we become stronger.

All too often in life, people dig themselves deeper in a “hole.” Old patterns are hard to break, and only by learning to think more rationally can we “think straight to feel great!” For example, the Swiss Cheese Theory teaches us that fondue can never turn back into a block of cheese! What is done is done, and all too often people keep stuck in a hole because they keep reworking, almost like hoping things will get better, but of course we can only change how the past affects us in the present! When we refuse to live in the land of the “woulda. coulda, shouldas” and “if onlys” we embrace the imperfections in our lives and we learn that mistakes, regrets and failures can be used as stepping stones towards success!

So go ahead – embrace the holes in you life, and smile and say CHEESE!